Doctor: Come in
[FX DOOR OPENS]
Gavin Warrins: Evening, Doctor.
[FX DOOR CLOSES]
Doctor: Ah, yes. Spread your glutes.
Gavin Warrins: Thanks.
Doctor: Gavin Warrins?
Gavin Warrins: Mmmmm.
Doctor: Now, what seems to be the problem?
Gavin Warrins: Well, I've got quite a bad pain in my stomach, here.
Doctor: Right. What sort of pain?
Gavin Warrins: Err. It hurts.
Doctor: Yes. But, is it a sharp pain?
Gavin Warrins: Sort of, yeah.
Doctor: Mmmm. Sort of. You see, it helps if I know exactly what sort of pain it is.
Gavin Warrins: Well, I made a noise on the bus.
Doctor: Right. So it's pretty severe?
Gavin Warrins: Well, I suppose it could be worse.
Doctor: You're not being very clear about this.
Gavin Warrins: Ah.
Doctor: Ok, let me put it like this. Does your stomach hurt as much as my finger would if I hit it with this mallet?
Gavin Warrins: I dunno. Depends how hard, I suppose?
Doctor: Well, ummm, this hard? [FX DOCTOR HITS HIS FINGER WITH THE MALLET] Owww!
Gavin Warrins: Doctor! Oh, dear!
Doctor [IN PAIN]: Do...do you think it hurts that much?
Gavin Warrins: Ummm, well I don't know...
Doctor: Look, look, look, you must give me a definite answer! I'm trying to establish whether or not you have an ulcer.
Gavin Warrins: Oh, right, yeah!
Doctor: So is it as painful as this?
Gavin Warrins: Ummm, I don't know.
Doctor: Look, put your hand on the table.
Gavin Warrins: Really?
Doctor: Yes!
[FX DOCTOR HITS PATIENT'S HAND WITH MALLET]
Gavin Warrins: Owww!
Doctor: Now! Is your stomach more painful than your hand?
Gavin Warrins [IN PAIN]: No!
Doctor: Good! Right, probably not an ulcer then. I'll give you some antacid and take it easy for a few days, ok?
Gavin Warrins: Yes!
Doctor: Maybe next time you'll come up with a better description! I can't go smashing my hand up every time you come in, can I?
Gavin Warrins: No!
Doctor: No, nor yours! Bye bye, then!
Gavin Warrins: Bye!
[FX DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]
Gavin Warrins EXITS
Doctor: hmmmmppphhh!
Mrs. Vess: Ohhhhh!
Doctor: Oh, my God! Mrs. Vess!
Mrs. Vess: Ohhhhh!
Doctor: You'd been out for so long I'd quite forgotten about you, sorry! Erm, can you still feel where I hit you on the head with the hammer?
Mrs. Vess: Uhhhh Hhhhhh!
Doctor: Does that hurt more than the backache?
Mrs. Vess: No!
Doctor: Sure?
Mrs. Vess: Uhhhh Hhhhhh!
Doctor: Ah, good! In that case it's unlikely to be a prolapsed disc. It's probably just a muscle strain. Erm, I'll give you some mild pain killers but really you should just rest up for a few days, ok?
Mrs. Vess: Mmmmm!
Doctor: Alright? [FX PRESCRIPTION TORN OFF PAD] Good. Well thanks for coming in.
[MRS. VESS WEEPS AND GROANS TOWARDS THE DOOR]
Doctor: You can take your time going out, I've got some paperwork to
do. You've got about ten minutes actually. Ok? Jolly good.
Mother, Baby and Girl ENTERS
Mother: Now, let's go and sit down there. [FX BABY CRIES] That's it! Shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh! Are you feeling tired? Mmmmm? Is that what it is?
Girl: Mummy?
[FX BABY GRIZZLES]
Mother: Mummy get you a bottle in a minute.
Girl: Mummy?
Mother: I'll get you a bottle in a minute. Just wait.
Girl: Mummy?
Mother: What?
Girl: Has that man got a bottom in his trousers?
Mother: Yes, I should think so [FX BABY GRIZZLES] Shhh, shhh, shhh! All right, I'll get you your bottle in a minute. Just a second.
Girl: Has he, Mummy?
Mother: There we go! There we go!
Girl: Has he?
Mother: Yes!
Girl (to Man): Hello!
Man: Hello!
Girl: Have you got a bottom in your trousers?
Man: No.
Girl: Have you?
Man: No!
[FX NEWSPAPER PAGES TURN]
Girl: Mummy! He says he hasn't!
Mother: Hasn't what?
Girl: Got a bottom!
Mother: Course he has!
Girl: You have got a bottom!
Man: I, umm, yes, of course, of course I've got a bottom, yes.
Girl: Can I see it?
Man: Look, ummm, go away!
Girl: Can I see your bottom, please?
Man: I'm trying to read my paper.
Girl: Can I, please?
Man: No!
Girl: I can!
Man: No, you can't. Really, this is very bad!
Girl: Mummy, I want to see it!
Mother: Excuse me, could you let her have a quick look at your bottom?
Man: Ummm...
Mother: Please?
Man: Ummm, well, I really don't think...
Mother: Can't you just pull your trousers down and let her have a quick look?
Man: I mean, not, not, not here.
Mother: [FX BABY CRIES] I've got my hands full! She just wants a quick look. Just while I feed this one, will that be OK?
Man: Ummm, well, ummm...
Mother: It's not a lot to ask, honestly!
Man: Ummm...
Mother: Just for a minute!
Man: Just quickly [FX TROUSERS UNZIPPED AND PULLED DOWN] There!
Mother: Thanks!
Girl: Is that your bottom?
Man: Yes.
Girl: Is that the man's bottom, Mummy?
Mother: Yes.
[FX GIRL SLAPS MAN'S BOTTOM]
Man: Hey, hey! No!
Girl: Smack the man! [FX SLAPPED BOTTOM] Smack!
Man: This is all going wrong at once.
Girl: Is that your willy?
Man: Hey, hey! Look, look, look! Could you stop this daughter?
Girl: Is that the man's willy, Mummy?
Mother: I expect so, yes!
Man: Can, can, can you please..!
Girl: Can he put it in the cup?
Man: Now, no, this must stop!
Girl: In this cup. Can you put it in this cup?
Mother: Please could you do that? This one's nearly asleep!
Man: Could you please stop the girl!
Mother: Just stick it in the cup for a couple of minutes!
Man: Well, it's...orange...
Mother: It would be a great help.
Man: It'll spill...
Mother: Well, I'll mop it up!
Man: Ummm, people watching...
Mother: Oh, don't be such a baby! Just plop it in the cup!
Man: Ummm...
Mother: Honestly, what's wrong with you?
Man: Nothing...
Mother: Well, come on then!
Man: Oh, bloody hell, hmmmm...
Mother: There you are!
Girl: It's in the cup, Mummy!
Man: No, stop this silly girl! Look at the trousers down there!
Girl: Willy in the cup! Your willy in the cup!
Ticket Inspector: Tickets at the ready...Excuse me, is there something wrong, sir?
Girl: Is your willy orange, now?
Ticket Inspector: I think you should pull your trousers up please, sir? And, er, come with me, please. I think we should sort this out.
Man: You see, I was doing it for the girl...
Girl: Are you going?
Man: The mother said...
Ticket Inspector: This girl made you do it?
Man: No! You see, really, I mean, I didn't..!
Ticket Inspector: I'm sorry about this, madam. Look, come on, sir, come on. Let's go up to the...
Man: Ummm, I mean, why would I stick myself in some cold orange?
Ticket Inspector: Up to the guard's van, please. Just follow me, sir. Come on, sir.
Man: I was doing it to amuse the child, and, er...
Ticket Inspector: Come on!
Man: She wanted to see my bottom...
Martha: You're not making sense!
Benny: Would you please just let me explain! I'm trying to tell you.
Martha: Right!
Benny: Right! Just let me explain!
Martha: So what did he say?
Benny: Well, he said he'd come to deal with the cracks at the front of the house...
Martha: Yes?
Benny: And said he knew what was wrong...
Martha: Right.
Benny: And I said "What?" and he said "It's the wheel."
Martha: The wheel?
Benny: Yes. You have to change the wheel.
Martha: The wheel?
Benny: Yes, that what he said! He said all houses have got one somewhere to absorb shocks.
Martha: A wheel?
Benny: Yes, a wheel! And he went off to look for it, so I went through and made him a cup of coffee.
Martha: He went to look for the house wheel?
Benny: Yes! Yes, and half an hour later, he said he'd found it.
Martha: Oh!
Benny: See, he showed it to me, and said he'd dug it up from the foundations.
Martha: Oh, Benny!
Benny: Look, he showed me the hole!
Martha: And what did it look like?
Benny: Well, a bit like a van wheel, I suppose.
Martha: Oh, bloody hell, Benny!
Benny: Well, he said it would be two thousand pounds for a new one.
Martha: Two thousand pounds?
Benny: Yes, I know, I know, but listen. I know it's a lot, but he reckoned it would cost twenty five thousand to get it underpinned, so I said alright.
Martha: Alright? Alright for a man to charge two thousand pounds to bury a van wheel?
Benny: Well I didn't know, did I? I mean, how do you know a house doesn't have a wheel to absorb shocks?
Martha: Oh, for fuck's sake, Benny, that's the biggest load of bunkum I've ever heard in my life!
Benny: Well, how do you know? How do you know? Maybe the tyre needs pumping up?
Martha: Benny!
Benny: Well, that could be it! Look, I'll call him, I'll call him and get him round to pump it up.
Martha: You'll do no such thing!
Benny: Well alright then, I won't! I won't do that, then! Don't blame me if the bloody house falls down!
Martha: You don't give a man two thousand pounds to bury a van wheel!
Benny: Oh well, I just hope that it doesn't fall on your fucking head!
[FX SLAMMING DOOR]
Builder (listening outside): Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehe!
Man: Yeah?
Rowena: I've come to pick up a black Lexus.
Man: Right. Number, please?
Rowena: It's on this bit of paper...
Gregory Corbish (voice over): Rowena's particularly thick and very good with officials. She really doesn't grasp anything.
Man: Right, so it's not your car then, madam?
Rowena: No, I'm picking it up for Mr. Hunter.
Man: That'll be one hundred and thirty five pounds, please.
Rowena: Oh, it's worth more than that. It's worth about twelve thousand pounds.
Man: No, the one hundred and thirty five pounds is the fine you have to pay.
Rowena: But Mr. Hunter paid twelve thousand pounds for it.
Man: Well, you're not... you're not buying the car...
Rowena: No I'm not, it's Mr. Hunter's.
Man: Well, you have to pay a fine of one hundred and thirty five pounds before we can let you have the car back.
Rowena: But it's worth twelve thousand pounds.
Man: Well, I'm not disputing that, but you owe us a fine of one hundred and thirty five pounds and you have to pay us that if you want to take the car away.
Rowena: He paid twelve thousand pounds for it.
Man: Yeah, I just said, that is irrelevant, right? The car was clamped and brought here because you were illegally parked and that's why you have to pay for it.
Rowena: Sorry, sorry, you don't seem to understand. That car cost Mr. Hunter twelve thousand pounds. I don't see why I should pay one hundred and thirty five pounds for something that is worth twelve thousand pounds, which he's paid anyway, that's the other thing!
Man: Look, alright, yeah... Mr. Hunter owns the car, but you must pay by law one hundred and thirty five pounds before we can give you the car back.
Rowena: It's that one over there.
Man: Yes, and if you give me one hundred and thirty five pounds, as is required by the law, then you can take it away now, right?
Rowena: Sorry, I don't understand.
Man: Alright, well I'll explain then. Mr. Hunter's car was parked in a restricted area, right?
Rowena: What?
Man: A restricted area.
Rowena: Right.
Man: Now, you know what a restricted area is?
Rowena: No.
Man: It's an area where there are parking meters, right?
Rowena: Parking meters?
Man: Yeah. You know what those are?
Rowena: Yes, I know what a parking meters are!
Man: Right. Mr. Hunter's parking meter was over time.
Rowena: He hasn't got a parking meter!
Man: The one he was at!
Rowena: What?
Man: The parking meter he didn't put enough money in.
Rowena: He puts his money in the car.
Man: Yes, well he should have put it in the parking meter!
Rowena: There's a money tray in the car.
Man: Yes! But I am saying that he should have put his money in the parking meter!
Rowena: I just said, he puts his money in the car!
Man: I know! I'm not talking about the car, right!
Rowena: What?
Man: I'm talking about the parking meter.
Rowena: Why?
Man: Because he didn't put enough money in it!
Rowena: I know! He puts his money in the tray!
Man: Look! Look, I don't care about the fucking tray, right!
Rowena: Don't get horrid with me!
Man: Right, ok. I'm sorry, right. It's just you just don't seem able to understand. Listen. The car was parked illegally, and you must pay us a fine of one hundred and thirty five pounds now if you want to take the car away.
Rowena: I've told you before, it's worth twelve thousand pounds!
Man: God! Listen! You exceeded the time on a parking meter and so the car was clamped.
Rowena: It's not a parking meter, it's a car!
Man (SHOUTING): I know it's a fucking car, I know it is, you stupid woman! For Christ's sake! Well, how many times do I have to explain this to him!
Rowena: Mr. Hunter never had a parking meter!
Supervisor: Oy!
Man: Yeah?
Supervisor: Give her the key, mate.
Man: What? Come on...
Supervisor: Give her the key. We've got about fifty people here we've got to get though. Just give her the key.
Man: Really? I think she's just taking...
Supervisor: Just give... Make sure no one sees, just get rid of her.
Man: There you are, madam.
Rowena: Thank you.
Man: Right.
Rowena: You didn't have to shout like that.
Man: Please, will you just leave now, madam.
Rowena: Do you do car washes?
Man: What?
Douglas: Right.
Gus Wingard: And will you be wanting a tinted overhead mirror?
Douglas: Yes, please.
Gus Wingard: Aha. What hue?
Douglas: Can I see the card, please?
Gus Wingard: Certainly.
Douglas: Erm, magenta.
Gus Wingard (voice over): I'm Gus Wingard.
Sandra Vilex (voice over): And I'm Sandra Vilex.
Gus Wingard (voice over): We've been offering this treatment for six years, now.
Gus Wingard: Any preference for music?
Douglas: Pan Pipes of the Andes, and a bit of rouge stuff thrown in by you?
Gus Wingard: Certainly, Douglas. I think you'll find we have some suitable ambient vibes.
Gus Wingard (voice over): Essentially, we open up the abdomen from top to bottom, and allow people to peer into their own body cavities in a mirror on the ceiling.
Sandra Vilex: Are you comfortable, Douglas?
Douglas: Aha.
Gus Wingard: I'll just clean you out a bit... And a quick saline glaze.
[FX SPRAY BEING APPLIED]
Douglas: Yes, that feels nice and cool.
Sandra Vilex (voice over): One of the things we do is we shine a searchlight through the open thorax, so the instestines are backlit.
Gus Wingard (voice over): Mmmm. Sometimes the light is purple.
Sandra Vilex: Are you ready for your K.I.M?
Gus Wingard: There we are!
Douglas: Oh, that's really good!
Gus Wingard: We're putting the electrodes against the lungs and then the ribcage.
Douglas: Yes!
Sandra Vilex: Ok, just sit there.
Sandra Vilex (voice over): Most people have a K.I.M.
Gus Wingard (voice over): That's a Kinetically Inducted Massage, where the table oscillates and the body contents slop gently from one side to the other, creating miniature abdominal tides, refracting the light rather beautifully.
Sandra Vilex: Settle back [FX TABLE BEGINS TO OSCILLATE] Good. [FX INTESTINES VIBRATE]
Douglas RELAXES
Sandra Vilex (voice over): We do quite a lot of intestinal reconciliations.
Gus Wingard: Ok, Warren, Douglas is ready now.
Warren: I'm not sure. A bit nervous!
Gus Wingard: Oh, don't be nervous! Go on, and if you feel something hard and knobbly, you've hit the spine.
[FX WARREN STICKS HIS ARM INTO DOUGLAS'S INTESTINES]
Warren : Douglas?
Douglas GROANS
Warren: Did you want to see me about something in the office?
Douglas: Well, there has been quite a lot of destructive energy around lately...
Warren: I don't think we've got a real problem, have we?
Douglas: It does all feel very far away now.
[FX WARREN HANDLES DOUGLAS' INTESTINES]
Warren: Good.
Gus Wingard (voice over): I think personal disagreements seem rather trivial after you've spent an hour with your hand in the sticky warmth of someone else's mesentery.
Sandra Vilex (voice over): We're also getting quite a lot of interest from club culture.
[FX NIGHTCLUB MUSIC]
Girl: I was given some light anaesthetic.
Boy: It's just anaesthetic!
Gus Wingard (voice over)
A lot of them now are asking for abdominal eels.
Sandra Vilex (voice over): They go to an all-nighter with a live eel stitched into their thorax and have it taken out the next day.
Boy: With the eel it's not really the pain...
Girl: Yeah.
Boy: You're just going around thinking "What the fuck have I done to myself?"
Girl: Yeah, that is true gravitas, eels.
Boy: I tell you, it's fucking heinous, man!
Girl: Yeah.
Gus Wingard (voice over): The only problems we tend to get are from very un-relaxed women in their early thirties.
Gus Wingard: Are you ok?
Karen: Quite like to get up.
Sandra Vilex: It's really best if you just stay where you are.
Gus Wingard: No, you can't get up. It's probably best if you keep still.
Karen: Like to get out.
Gus Wingard: Just imagine...
Karen: I want to get up!
Gus Wingard: No! No, no, no, no... [FX INTESTINES FALL ON THE FLOOR] ...come on Elizabeth!
Sandra Vilex: Karen, you're getting yourself dirty!
Karen: You've got my stomach.
Elizabeth: Got to go with her now! Got to go with her!
Gus Wingard: Just...oh!
Sandra Vilex: Bring her down! Bring her down now!
Gus Wingard: Now, now, come on, that's it!
Elizabeth: Come on, Karen, it's shock! We're going to bring you down now!
Karen SHRIEKS AND FALLS OVER
Gus Wingard: Drag her this way. I can't do anything with these. Drag her this way.
Sandra Vilex: We're at sixes and sevens now!
Karen: Where's it gone?
Gus Wingard (voice over): Next year, we're going to be starting a new treatment where we take eight opened-up people, and allow them to spend a night together in a wood.
Steve Lomacq
I can see Steve Lomacq as a frail old man in a wheelchair, trying to
shake hands with an elephant.
Unemployed Welshmen
[FX GULLS AND WAVES BREAKING ON THE BEACH]
First Welshman: See down by the crossroads, by there? There's a lot of bribes there, in the seventies.
Les: I saw a bribe, once.
First Welshman: Les!
Les: No, I did! I chased it back down its hole and then shot it with a broom.
Second Welshman: Remember at school, Creepy Rodgers made us all jump into his pocket?
First Welshman: Mikey Doo was very depressed for about a year after that.
Second Welshman: School made him retake his shoe size.
Les: Hey, guess what?
First Welshman: What's that, Les?
Les: My fart smells like a target!
Second Welshman: Go jump in the pond, Les!
Les: Really? OK!
[FX LES RUNS DOWN TO THE POND AND JUMPS IN]
Second Welshman: Les!
Les: Hey lads, I've done another target!
First Welshman: You really are a soft bollock, Les.
Second Welshman: That's the pond where Rodney the What used to fight Plastic Bob in the shallows.
First Welshman: Plastic Bob didn't have much to do after he was sacked for being a stick.
Second Welshman: In the end, Rodney the What got drowned.
First Welshman: He went under and never came up again.
Second Welshman: Turned out Bob had tied his face to the bottom with a newt.
[FX LES RUNS BACK]
Les: Hey, lads!
Second Welshman: Les, don't stand on your hands!
Les: They're cold!
Second Welshman: One year up on that hill, there was a reflection of a sod.
Les: Mikey?
Mikey: Yeah?
Les: Which is earlier, nine o'clock or the other one?
Mikey: Les!
First Welshman: See up there, by the nerves? That's where Les found out his dad was a glass of water.
Les: Don't drink it! Don't drink it, no! No!
First Welshman: He's not really, of course. We just told him that about ten years ago and he still believes it!
Les: Don't drink it! No! No!
Second Welshman: Now all you have to do is get out a glass of water...
Les: Don't drink it, no! Oh! [FX GLASS OF WATER SMASHES] Oh, daddy! Oh, daddy! Oh! Oh!
First Welshman: Oh, Les! You've broke your daddy!
Les: Daddy! It's my daddy!
Second Welshman: Is it?
Les: Yeah! Oh, daddy!
First Welshman: I thought we were just joking?
Second Welshman: So did I!
First Welshman: Oh, crikey, we haven't got a... Oh, no!
ALL: Daddy, daddy, daddy! Oh, no!
Doctor: Come in.
[FX DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]
Gary Taz: Afternoon.
Doctor: Ah, yes. Park your pudding!
Gary Taz: Thanks.
Doctor: Gary Pascoe, isn't it?
Gary Taz: Gary Taz.
Doctor: Taz! Of course, Taz!
Gary Taz: Taz.
Doctor: Ah, yes. And now you've come in for your test results?
Gary Taz: Yes.
Doctor: Right. Erm, HIV test, Gary Taz. [FX SHUFFLES THROUGH PAPERS] Hmmm.
Gary Taz: Is there a problem?
Doctor: Not really. I can't find your results. Give me a tick, I'm pretty sure I can remember them.
Gary Taz: Maybe they got lost?
Doctor: No, no, we've just got a new girl on the files.
Gary Taz: Oh.
Doctor: Oh, damn! They came in yesterday! I saw them. They said, erm, yes I can see the form there.
Gary Taz: Maybe there's...
Doctor: No, no, just give me a minute. I can even see the guy's signature. Veasey.
Gary Taz: Doctor.
Doctor: Now, where's the bloody result?
Gary Taz: Really...
Doctor: Hang on! Hang on! I remember thinking something when I read them, now what was it? Was it surprising?
Gary Taz: I don't know.
Doctor: Could have been, yes! I was surprised! Now, you look quite ill, and I was surprised, and that would suggest that the result was negative, yes?
Gary Taz: Doctor, please don't...
Doctor: No, of course not, it wasn't that simple anyway...
Gary Taz: I am really very worried.
Doctor: It was more like, erm... Yep, hang on! Hang on! Yes, I can see it now!
Gary Taz: Doctor, doctor...
Doctor: It was positive! I can see it now, bottom right.
Gary Taz: Oh, my God!
Doctor: I think you're HIV positive, yep. Phew! Sorry about that! I'm not normally that forgetful! So I'll check that out and we'll take the necessary steps as soon as that is confirmed, ok?
Gary Taz: Right.
Doctor: Ok. Good. See you next time!
Gary Taz: Yeah. Bye.
Doctor: Cheersy!
[FX DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]
Gary Taz: Hello?
Doctor: Gary Taz?
Gary Taz: Yeah.
Doctor: Hello, Doctor Perlin here, 'phoning about your test result?
Gary Taz: Yes?
Doctor: It was positive after all that!
Gary Taz: Really?
Doctor: Yeah. I knew it was, really. Just had a bit of a blip, you see.
Gary Taz: Right.
Doctor: Well, won't happen again, I can promise you that, ok?
Gary Taz: Ri...Yes.
Doctor: If it does, I'll be pretty worried, actually! Rightho
then! Cheerseosi! [FX TELEPHONE RECEIVER IS REPLACED] Phew,
dear!
Cast: Chris Morris, David Cann, Amelia Bullmore, Julia Davis, Mark Heap, Kevin Eldon & Peter Baynham
Produced by Chris Morris
Blue Jam © BBC 1999
Transcribed by Stephen Lafferty
Mandelsoned by Matt Honeyball