When wakum damp in yard to find a court of snailsin session around your head. They call you guilty, of no friends, no thoughts, no purpose, point or use and you, you dolt, concur with weeping penance. "Don't hurt me, Mr. Snail." When midnight sirens lead to blue-flash road mash, stretchers, covered heads and slippy red macadam.
So find you creeped beneath the plastic and snuggled close a mangled chap hoping soon you too be buried, flamed or freezer-drawered, "I dunno what they do, I never been there."
Then welcome, mmmm aaah oooh hmmmm, in Blue Jam, Blue Jam, Blue Jam, Bluuuuueeeee Jaaaammmm
Father (distressed): Ummm, please, I'd like to say to whoever took him, we don't know who you are...
Mother (distressed): Or why you took him.
Father: But, er, he's only four years old. So please, if you're watching;
Mother and Father sing:
Please just bring him back/
Please just bring him back/
He's still our little angel/
And we love him very much/
So if he's still alive/
Please just bring our little Billy back...
Mother: Thank you.
Man: Oh, hello!
Woman: Hi, um sorry to bother you.
Man: No, that's fine.
Woman: Um, I've just moved in across the landing?
Man: Yeah, I know, we, er, met on the stairs.
Woman: Oh, yeah!
Man: Yeah!
Woman: Sorry! Um, I just wondered if you could help me with something?
Man: Yeah, sure!
Woman: Yeah? It's um, could you come in? It's in my apartment.
Man: OK...[FX MOVING THROUGH TO ANOTHER APARTMENT]...Yeah. It's a nightmare moving, isn't it?
Woman: Yeah. It's chaos. Sorry! You'll see!
Man: Don't worry! I'm used to it!
[FX FRONT DOOR OPENS]
Woman: It's through here. Right, um, I'm sorry, but could you come here?
Man: Um, here?
Woman: Yeah! See, I've got umm, I've just found umm...
Man: Mmmm?
Woman: I mean, the reason I came over is because I've found a lump in my breast.
Man: Oh!
Woman: The left one. I got very worried.
Man: Well, yes. Err
Woman: I just wondered if you could feel, see if you can feel anything in it?
Man: Um, well! Err...
Woman: Just through my sweater?
Man: Yeah, I suppose I could.
Woman: Thanks.
Man: Umm, right umm.
Woman: You know I'll have to slap you?
Man: Slap me?
Woman: For feeling my breast.
Man: Oh!
Woman: I couldn't let you just touch it, could I?
Man: Ooh, I, er, I suppose not!
Woman: You sure?
Man: Yes! Err...
Woman: Just here
Man: Right. Just here? Right, there?
[WOMAN MOANS IN PLEASURE THEN SLAPS MAN]
Woman: Was there umm, anything there?
Man: That was er, that was quite a whack!
Woman: Do you need to, um, feel me again?
Man: Umm, well I, I...
Woman: Maybe you'd be more certain if you felt it without any fabric in the way.
Man: Ummm, well, yes.
Woman: Thank you.
Man: That's all right!
Woman: I'll have to use my fist this time.
Man: Fists?
Woman: Well, you won't be able to avoid the nipple, and that's quite improper.
Man: Mmmmm, ok.
Woman: Feel me, here?
[FX WOMAN MOANS IN PLEASURE THEN PUNCHES MAN VIOLENTLY]
Man: Right, umm, there. Is that, is that, is that...Arrrggghhh!
Woman: Are you ok?
Man: I think so!
Woman: Was there anything there?
Man: I, er, I don't think there was, actually.
Woman: Do you think you'd better feel it again with your mouth?
Man: Mmmmm....
Woman: Firmly, making it hard, if you have to?
Man: I could, yeah!
Woman: Oh, thank you, you're so kind!
Man: Well, don't worry!
Woman: I will have to report you to the police.
Man: Really?
Woman: Well, it's pretty much an assault.
Man: Ummm...
Woman: When I'm this worried, I have to put my hand down my pants, do you mind?
Man: Um, no!
[WOMAN MOANS IN PLEASURE]
Woman: Shall I call the police, then?
Man: Yeah!
[WOMAN CONTINUES TO MOAN]
Yes, police please! You know, when I'm this upset, sometimes I just have to fuck someone I've never met before!
[MAN GROANS]
Woman: Hello! I've just been assaulted! Umm, forty-one Montague Mansions. Er, Izzy Lock. Um, yes, yes I know him, he lives in number forty! Please hurry, yes! Right, thankyou!
[FX TELEPHONE RECEIVER IS REPLACED]
Oh dear, you're going to have to go immediately!
Man: But don't you need me to feel your breast?
Woman: They've got a car on the corner of the block! I'm really sorry, I didn't know they'd be so close by!
Man: Please?
Woman: Alright then, just five seconds.
Man: Yeah, yes, yes!
[WOMAN MOANS IN PLEASURE]
OK. Can you feel anything? Anything there?
[WOMAN PUNCHES MAN VIOLENTLY]
Man: What did you do that for?
Woman: That was six seconds. You'd better go now. Thanks for your help. Very kind, bye!
[MAN CRAWLS OUT IN GREAT PAIN AND WOMAN MOANS IN PLEASURE]
Man: Chicken Caesar sandwich, please.
Shop Assistant: Er, I'm sorry, sir, I'm afraid we've got an ugly weirdo policy here.
Man: Sorry?
Shop Assistant: I'm afraid you're too ugly. We don't want this to look like a shop for ugly wierdos.
Man: Oh.
Shop Assistant: It's the mouth. If you look here, sir. You see, there?
Man: Well, I didn't...
Shop Assistant: It's not a problem, sir. A place around the corner does some really hideous people. One poor sod hasn't really got a head at all, but I've seen them spooning in some minty lamb, so you should be ok.
Man: Right.
Shop Assistant: Sorry mate. Best of luck with it.
Office Worker: I'm an office worker.
Shop Assistant: Sorry?
Office Worker: I'm an office worker.
Shop Assistant: Er, anything to eat, sir?
Office Worker: No.
Shop Assistant: Alright, sir.
Office Worker: Thank you.
Shop Assistant: Thank you, sir! See you again! (to another
customer) Tuna..?
Patient: Morning, doctor.
Doctor: Ah, yes. Do make use of the seating! Now, er, what seems to be the problem?
Patient: I've got quite a sore throat.
Doctor: Have you taken anything for it?
Patient: Just some linctus syrup.
Doctor: Right, um, I'd like to continue this consultation with a blindfold on.
Patient: Blindfold?
Doctor: Yes, it's er, something we're trying here based on a traditional Indian thing.
Patient: Really?
Doctor: Yes. It just helps me to concentrate.
Patient: Oh.
Doctor: Ok
Patient: Um
Doctor: Just get this...there. Right.
Patient: So, um, what, what..?
Doctor: Now, I'm just going to go behind...oh! [FX DOCTOR BUMPS INTO CHAIR] Where are you?
Patient: I'm here.
Doctor: Right. Now, um, say 'Ah'.
Patient: Ah
Doctor: Mmmm. Er, do it again?
Patient: Ah.
Doctor: Right, um, I can't really um
Patient: Doctor, wouldn't it be better if you just...?
Doctor: Please, I'm trying to visualise your throat.
Patient: Yeah, but look, if you took off the blindfold then you'd...
Doctor: It's actually quite difficult to do this. If you could just be quiet...ah! [FX DOCTOR BUMPS INTO CHAIR] Right, um, sore throat. Ummm, are your tonsils red?
Patient: Ummm, well, feels quite sore, yeah.
Doctor: Could you look in the mirror?
Patient: Ummm, right, which bit?
Doctor: Behind the euger.
Patient: What?
Doctor: You know, the hangy-down bit in the middle.
Patient: Right, aaah, I don't know, really.
Doctor: You're really not much good at this, are you?
Patient: Doctor, woudn't it be easier if you just...?
Doctor: Look, can you take a picture of your throat with the Polaroid on the desk, please? [FX POLAROID CAMERA] Good, right, now let's have a look. Won't be a tick.
[FX DOCTOR REMOVES BLINDFOLD]
Patient: Couldn't you just look at my throat now?
Doctor: You're not even trying to understand, are you?
Patient: Well, I mean you can see now, can't you? You're just sitting there looking at thephotograph
Doctor: There's no point in taking the photo if I can just look at your throat, is there?
Patient: Well...
Doctor: Ah, yes. Mmmm, not actually much use this, is it?
Patient: Well, I've never had to take a picture of my mouth before, surprisingly.
Doctor: See, your teeth are casting a shadow across the key area.
Patient: Yes?
Doctor: Well, it would save a lot of time if you could get these things right. We are quite busy, you know?
Patient: Well, I'm sorry, but it seems to me that it's quite a simple...
Doctor: Never mind, I'll just have to go on guesswork.
Patient: But couldn't you just look at my throat, I mean...?
Doctor: Keep up the linctus, gargle some soluble aspirin and I'll prescribe some antibiotics.
Patient: Right.
Doctor: Normally I can tell whether it's a bacterial infection or a virus but you were rather cocking me around.
Patient: Not deliberately!
Doctor: Just something to remember.
Patient: Right.
Doctor: Bye!
[FX DOOR CLOSES]
Well don't say goodbye then, you touchy little prick!
[FX DOCTOR OPENS DOOR]
You don't need aspirins, you need anti depressants!
[FX DOCTOR CLOSES DOOR] [FX DOOR OPENS]
Patient: What was that?
Doctor: Hello?
Patient: What did you say just then?
Doctor: Nothing, I wasn't talking to you.
Patient: I thought that you said something about anti-depressants or something...
Doctor: Do you want me to put paranoia in your notes, as well as unhelpful?
Patient: No
Doctor: Best make yourself scarce, then [FX DOOR CLOSES] and move out
of the area before you double the suicide rate!
OK. Top new release this week. Definitely make ears for Malaysian Pub Foundationwith 'Come here and say that'. Great one-inch drum sounds and some really nice anti-Gay touches in the middle bit. On the other hand the real dog log of the week has got to be the Blowfly Allsorts with 'Back once again with the shit-faced landlord'. It features over sixty Kenny Loggins samples, most of them thankfully inaudible. There's a horrible Prescott in Kangol remix, and Tariq Ali directed the video, whichis a crass, ugly and deeply stupid work. Meanwhile, dead cert for number one thisweek has got to be 'Just got Oft' That's Puff of Fat's tribute to himself, recorded before he pumped thirty bullets into his own head in a studio last month, in what many say is a gang-motivated attack. And you know that after seeing a clip of Puff on a lift security video, all Hollywood is saying he could have been the black Brando. That's it, snavrons. Oh, I'd just like to mention the huge numbers of yuz sending inremix tapes from your home VC's. They are, without exception, absolutely abominable. Whenever I put one on, Dave Peace runs into the room gushing; "Ohh! That's cool!" It's not cool, Dave, it's shit.
Mary Anne Hobbes/
Now little more than a bag of lymph/
Is rolled from the studio/
And drained into a sink.
Simon Clues: Yes, is Sergeant Williams there, please? Yes please. Ah, hello, Simon Clues at Park Farm. She's doing it again. Yeah, about two minutes. If you send someone up straight away, she should be...hmmm? About four. Yeah, three or four years old, yeah. She's beating up a cow. Very hard, yes. The last one didn't survive. Well, she drove here. Yes, in a Cortina Estate. Green. Look, look, I can't see her now, but the cow's fallen over. So, please could you just end...well, um her car's still here, yes, I just can't see her…Ah!
Girl: Try anything and you're dead!
Simon Clues: Yes, I'm still here.
Girl: Tell him you made it up!
Simon Clues: Look, look, it might not be such a problem, actually...
Girl: Tell him you made it up!
Simon Clues: You see I errr, I made it up. Yes, I did.
Girl: Say it was a squirrel in a dress.
Simon Clues: Yes. I think it was just a squirrel in a dress. Squirrel, yeah!
Girl: Go bibblebibblebibblebibblebibblebibblebibble!
Simon Clues: Ummmm, bibblebibblebibblebibblebibblebibblebibble! Hmmmm, yes, sorry, I just meant...
Girl: Do it again!
Simon Clues: No! No, look I'm sorry, I just...
Girl: Tell him to fuck himself!
Simon Clues: Ummmm, fuck yourself! Sorry!
Girl: Do it properly!
Simon Clues: Fuck yourself! Oh, dear!
Girl: Tell him you've got your cock out! Do it!
Simon Clues: I've got my cock out, Sergeant. I haven't!
Girl: Keep saying it.
Simon Clues: I've got my cock out! No!
Girl: Again, again.
Simon Clues: I've got my cock out, Sergeant Williams.
Girl: Keep saying it.
Simon Clues: I've got my cock out!
Girl: Again.
Simon Clues: I'm so sorry...I've got my cock out!
Girl: Keep saying it.
Simon Clues: I've got my cock out!
Girl: Dirty old farmer!
Simon Clues: I haven't!
Girl: Dirty old farmer!
Simon Clues: I'm so sorry!
Girl: Dirty old farmer! Dirty old farmer!
Simon Clues: I'm sorry, Sergeant, I'm sorry!
[FX TELEPHONE RECEIVER REPLACED]
Simon Clues WEEPS
Girl: Dirty! Dirty! Dirty old farmer! Dirty old farmer!
Dirty! Dirty! Dirty old farmer! Dirty
dirty farmer! Dirty faaaaaarrrrrmmmmmeeeerrr!
Mrs. Cahill: Hello!
Robin Lomax: Mrs. Cahill?
Mrs. Cahill: Yes?
Robin Lomax: Robin Lomax, I've come about the boiler.
Mrs. Cahill: Boiler, yes. Come in!
Robin Lomax: Thank you very much. [FX FRONT DOOR CLOSES] Right, where is it?
Mrs. Cahill: He's upstairs.
Robin Lomax: Right. He's upstairs?
Mrs. Cahill: Yes, his room's straight opposite the top of the stairs.
Robin Lomax: Er, who's room?
Mrs. Cahill: Matthew's room?
Robin Lomax: Matthew?
Mrs. Cahill: Yes. It shouldn't take long, he's very small, he's only about three weeks old. It's not too much, is it?
Robin Lomax: I've come about the boiler!
Mrs. Cahill: Did I say boiler on the 'phone?
Robin Lomax: Yeah.
Mrs. Cahill: Oh, I, I meant baby, I'm sorry.
Robin Lomax: Baby?
Mrs. Cahill: Yes. Could you go and have a look? I'm sure he'd be quite easy to fix, he's sosmall.
Robin Lomax: You want me to fix a baby?
Mrs. Cahill: Yes. The doctor won't do anything. I don't know why. He says he won't, not now anyway, he says.
Robin Lomax: What do you mean?
Mrs. Cahill: Well, he said he's dead, or something, but I know he can be mended, I'm sure hecan, it's just tubes really, isn't it? I'm sure you could have a go.
Robin Lomax: Mrs. Cahill, I can't fix a baby, I'm just a plumber!
Mrs. Cahill: Yes, so you're good at mending!
Robin Lomax: What?
Mrs. Cahill: You fixed the taps last Winter, didn't you? You must be able to do something for him. You fixed the taps.
Robin Lomax: Well, yeah, I fixed the taps!
Mrs. Cahill: Well, that's it! They've never dripped since! You did a lovely job, I'm sure you can...I mean, what's more important, a baby or a tap?
Robin Lomax: Well, that's not really the...!
Mrs. Cahill: Please! There must be something! He's so young, three weeks, they should last longer than that, shouldn't they? My sister's...
Robin Lomax: I'm really sorry, Mrs. Cahill...
Mrs. Cahill: She's had one for years, and umm. You see, he only stopped four days ago, and...
Robin Lomax: I'm really sorry, Mrs. Cahill...
Mrs. Cahill: My husband will be so pleased, he's going to leave if I keep talking about the tubes,but I know I'm right and I'm sure there's something you can do for a thousand pounds an hour?
Robin Lomax: For what?
Mrs. Cahill: A thousand pounds an hour. Couldn't you try for three hours, at a thousand pounds an hour?
Robin Lomax: Um? Yeah...
Mrs. Cahill: Three or four hours?
Robin Lomax: At a thousand pounds an hour?
Mrs. Cahill: Yes.
Robin Lomax: Well, where'd you say he was?
Mrs. Cahill: Straight opposite you at the top of the stairs. If you just go up the stairs, he's just there.
Robin Lomax: Well, I'll go and get my tools.
Mrs. Cahill: Thank you!
Robin Lomax: I'm not promising anything, Mrs. Cahill.
Mrs. Cahill: That's right, you're not promising anything but you'll do your best and that's the main thing, and that's...I'm sure you can do something, it's just four days and I know he's still got a chance, and the doctors, you know, they just give up, but I know you won't! God bless you, Mr. Robin Lomax!
Robin Lomax: I'll just be a sec!
Mrs. Cahill: Yes, thanks!
LATER ON...
[FX TEA BEING STIRRED]
Mrs. Cahill (on telephone): Hello, darling! Guess what? I've made Matthew's tubes all better. Roger, it's me. Guess what? Matthew's better. Yes I've made him better with a plumber. And um...
Robin Lomax: Mrs. Cahill, I've er, I think I've finished.
Mrs. Cahill: Oh! Is he better?
Robin Lomax: Um, er, if you just come up and er...
[FX ASCENDING STAIRS]
Mrs. Cahill: Mattie! Mum's coming! Mummie's coming! It's Mummy, yes!
Robin Lomax: He's not quite...he's changed a bit.
Mrs. Cahill: Oh, yes!
Robin Lomax: Don't worry about the leak, I can fix that.
Mrs. Cahill: Hello, darling! Mummy's here! Oh, it's nice and warm!
Robin Lomax: Yeah, I've channelled the heating through him. It's best not to move him, Mrs.Cahill...
Mrs. Cahill: Lovely and warm, darling!
Robin Lomax: ...come off the pipes. There's a pipe going from his mouth area to his nappy area.
Mrs. Cahill: Got a pipe! Got a little pipe!
Robin Lomax: Milk comes out and makes it wet.
Mrs. Cahill: Got a little pipe, darling!
Robin Lomax: There's a tap on the side you can see here...
Mrs. Cahill: What a smart tap! Look at that tap!
Robin Lomax: ...attached to the header tank up here.
Mrs. Cahill: What a smart tap, look at that tap! I've never seen such a smart tap as that before!
Robin Lomax: It should make the plug with his mouth gurgle when you turn it on. Just um...
[FX GURGLING TAP]
Mrs. Cahill: Oh, it's a gurgle! It's a little gurgle!
Robin Lomax: I think I'll get off now, Mrs. Cahill.
Mrs. Cahill: There you are.
Robin Lomax: Right, thank you.
Mrs. Cahill: Thank you so much!
Robin Lomax: Yeah. Thank you Mrs. Cahill. Bye!
Mrs. Cahill: Bye! Thanks! Thanks! Matthew, are you better? Better? Yes, much better. Let's hear you gurgle.
[FX GURGLING TAP]
Are you better? You're piping hot! You're much, much hotter than you were before! Are you better? I think you're better. Oh, I can't even touch you, you're so hot! What a hot little baby! Are you better? Yes? I think so.
When wakum damp in yard to find a court of snailsin session around your head. They call you guilty, of no friends, no thoughts, no purpose, point or use and you, you dolt, concur with weeping penance. "Don't hurt me, Mr. Snail." When midnight sirens lead to blue-flash road mash, stretchers, covered heads and slippy red macadam.
So find you creeped beneath the plastic and snuggled close a mangled chap hoping soon you too be buried, flamed or freezer-drawered, "I dunno what they do, I never been there."
Then welcome, mmmm aaah oooh hmmmm, in Blue Jam, Blue Jam, Blue Jam, Bluuuuueeeee Jaaaammmm
Cast: Chris Morris, David Cann, Amelia Bullmore, Julia Davis, Mark Heap, Kevin Eldon & Sally Phillips.
Produced by Chris Morris
Blue Jam © BBC 1999
Transcribed by Stephen Lafferty
Mandelsoned by Matt Honeyball